I believe this article is long overdue. The topic and words have been floating in my mind for a very long time trying to find its words to the page which I am typing. The truth is, I have never been very good at this. The opening up of my feelings. I have tried in recent years to be better, but I guess the proof shows I still have a long way to go.
Some time ago an uncle of mine named Wes passed away. I think dealing with loss on any level for any person who loved someone is difficult. For me, I have been luckier than many in having many of my loved ones still among the living. I think most people can look back and say, “I wish I said this” or “I wish I did that.” The truth is, I was never good at either of those things either. When it comes to the deepest part of my emotions and feelings, for some reason I bury them or try to anyway and try to stay more practical or sensible. Some people have accused me of having little emotions, while others tease me about being a ball bag if I cry during Touched by an Angel. I guess everyone has their own range and own way of expressing their different kinds of emotions. But when my Uncle Wes died, I confess while I put on the brave face and smile of, “he is in a better place” attitude, I kept quiet about the unsettling rupture I felt in his passing.
So, I guess, this is my way of trying to make it up to him. The lost words, the unspoken love, and appreciation I felt for him during my life. To him, I am willing to bet he would be surprised he meant so much to a girl he rarely saw once I hit adulthood. I always felt like an outsider in many ways because of religion and views on life, that I kept my distance. Was it right? Was it wrong? I have no idea, but that is what I did. I don’t regret my life or my choices in where it had led me and taught me. Even my biggest mistakes have taught me important lessons which I hope can one day help others as they navigate their own life. But what I do regret was not saying, “Thank You.” Not enough anyway.
As a child, I saw him more than my own father, who was often gone on business or with my older sister at the “daddy-daughter date nights.” But my Uncle Wes, he would take me “with pride” he would say. Even now I can see myself as an 8-year-old looking up to him with his grin smiling down on me. When others teased me that my father wouldn’t bring me, Uncle Wes always stopped it and would tell me that while my father did love me despite his other commitments, I was luckier because no one else had an Uncle there. That was my Uncle Wes in a nutshell to me. He was a man of few words, but the words he said were meaningful and impressionable, especially to a little girl. I miss him terribly.
Years later, I found myself driving alone across the country. I was struggling with a loss of a different kind and didn’t know where to go or what to do. I found myself driving from Tennessee to his driveway in Arizona. To this day, I can’t tell you why. I have many Aunts and Uncles whom I love deeply and mean the world to me, yet I found myself in his driveway. I never told him that was why I was there. Just to see him. Just to be near his calm temperament and understanding nature. I think I felt that maybe that would rub off on me. He always seemed so calm like he had everything worked out. Do you know people like that? He was. Some days I would find myself strolling into his workshop as he was tinkering with different things. Even though I was exploding with emotions, sometimes I didn’t say more than small talk. Other times, we would talk. I will never forget his council, but most importantly, I will always remember his unconditional love. He didn’t care what I believed or didn’t, or how I chose to live my life. “Just remember I love you, Laura.” That is what he said to me. I don’t think he ever knew the impact those little words ever had on me at that moment. That was exactly what I needed to hear. Nothing else. Just that. Plain and simple. Why couldn’t I tell him what he meant to me then? I don’t know. I still don’t. A few years passed without seeing him, and now he is passed away. I sometimes see him now in my dreams, with me wishing to say things that sound so cheesy and silly in my head yet seem so important now. Maybe that is the lesson here. To say what is in your heart to the people you love no matter how cheesy or silly it sounds, because one day, you won’t have the chance.
With that being said, to my other Aunts and Uncles out there, and to my beloved grandmother, thank you for your time and love with me. I know the patience you had to endure with me, and at times it wasn’t easy, but your words of love and patience have been appreciated and hope you know I have a deep-rooted love for all of you. And most of all, thank you, Uncle Wes, for loving your niece. Not for who you wanted me to be, but for loving me for who I truly am. I’m sorry I am too late, but you will never be forgotten and will always be in my heart.
Love,
Your niece, Laura
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